Anxious While Abroad
I suck right now. Hard. And I am writing so that my peeps know what's going on with me, but also so that others going through the same kinds of things know they're not alone. Most importantly, I am not fishing for compliments. I know that I am great, and deserving, and awesome, and wonderful, and hilarious, and loving, and all of the other fantastic things that so many incredibly people tell me regularly. Thank you all for that. Unfortunately, right now my brain just doesn't care about all of the compliments and the things that I know.
I am super anxious, jumpy, and easily overwhelmed. I don't know if I want to be traveling right now; this has never happened before and it has taken me a while to figure out why it is happening. I miss working and find it hard to relax/enjoy myself. I know that I don't really love the big cities the way I love smaller places, and I need a lot more down time than I used to, but I never thought I would have had my fill of my travel after two and a half months. I could very happily go home now.
I have situational depression and anxiety; for me, they like to rear their lovely heads when trauma occurs. It started when my grandmother died, and most recently began again at the beginning of June with a motorbike crash.
Things are kind of blurry (hence the photo). I am so tired of mosquito bites that hurt and itch for weeks, a yeast infection that I couldn't seem to shake (4 weeks is way too long, and yes, I know how to take care of it and have taken the requisite drugs in not one, but two countries), being worried about money, and eating rice at every meal. Don't get me wrong: I am well aware of and grateful for having the means, time, and opportunity to be abroad right now.
If you see my Instagram (@juliasheldon), you will notice that I try to post everyday with something that I am grateful for, and I know that it is important for me to do this for my own mental health and wellbeing. I feel better when I am grateful. I am so incredibly fortunate and privileged in innumerable ways. I am also nervous, anxious, and not enjoying myself the way that I want to be.
I have spent the last 3 weeks mostly in bed. Noticeably, Thailand has been terrible for me doing much of anything besides eating,. I find it difficult talking to people, sightsee, and be adventurous. I'm in Thailand; there is so much to see and do here, and yet I tend to spend most of my time lying in bed, watching Netflix, playing games on my phone, and saying that I'm hungry. I'm becoming antsy and frustrated by myself. I don't like feeling this way; it's super annoying.
For me, this is the worst part of depression. I know that I feel better when I am out, active, talking to people, and doing things like yoga or swimming or laughing ... but it takes SO much effort to get out of bed just to get food. One amazing thing is that I don't have to worry about hiding myself for Andy. He knows that I feel like poop. And at first, it was nice for us to chill and have some down time. Now, it is too much chill time and difficult to get out of the habit.
I am super anxious, jumpy, and easily overwhelmed. I don't know if I want to be traveling right now; this has never happened before and it has taken me a while to figure out why it is happening. I miss working and find it hard to relax/enjoy myself. I know that I don't really love the big cities the way I love smaller places, and I need a lot more down time than I used to, but I never thought I would have had my fill of my travel after two and a half months. I could very happily go home now.
I have situational depression and anxiety; for me, they like to rear their lovely heads when trauma occurs. It started when my grandmother died, and most recently began again at the beginning of June with a motorbike crash.
Things are kind of blurry (hence the photo). I am so tired of mosquito bites that hurt and itch for weeks, a yeast infection that I couldn't seem to shake (4 weeks is way too long, and yes, I know how to take care of it and have taken the requisite drugs in not one, but two countries), being worried about money, and eating rice at every meal. Don't get me wrong: I am well aware of and grateful for having the means, time, and opportunity to be abroad right now.
If you see my Instagram (@juliasheldon), you will notice that I try to post everyday with something that I am grateful for, and I know that it is important for me to do this for my own mental health and wellbeing. I feel better when I am grateful. I am so incredibly fortunate and privileged in innumerable ways. I am also nervous, anxious, and not enjoying myself the way that I want to be.
I have spent the last 3 weeks mostly in bed. Noticeably, Thailand has been terrible for me doing much of anything besides eating,. I find it difficult talking to people, sightsee, and be adventurous. I'm in Thailand; there is so much to see and do here, and yet I tend to spend most of my time lying in bed, watching Netflix, playing games on my phone, and saying that I'm hungry. I'm becoming antsy and frustrated by myself. I don't like feeling this way; it's super annoying.
For me, this is the worst part of depression. I know that I feel better when I am out, active, talking to people, and doing things like yoga or swimming or laughing ... but it takes SO much effort to get out of bed just to get food. One amazing thing is that I don't have to worry about hiding myself for Andy. He knows that I feel like poop. And at first, it was nice for us to chill and have some down time. Now, it is too much chill time and difficult to get out of the habit.
Oh, and when my ovaries are angry, despite knowing that physical activity is helpful, I still don't want to do anything. So, I am becoming a nighthawk, I sleep a lot, and the rain is affecting me every single day. The joys of rainy season. At home, I am super impacted by the pressure changes that come with thunderstorms. Here, those don't exist. It's simply cloudy and rainy at least once/day for several hours.
It's infuriating to be in a super cool place in the world and not enjoy it. I keep finding fault; I was here 6 years ago and it's changed immensely. Read the forthcoming post on Koh Phi Phi for that. And I'd love to have some kind of lesson learned, or silver lining, or awesome kickass Jewelia moment (the name I have given to my Super Self i.e. the best version of myself), but I'm not there yet. It's coming, because I'm frustrated with myself. But, shit, man, Poolia (the Shitty Me), is rearing her damn head and I am so mad about it. Shout out to Supernacular for encouraging those fantastic nicknames with a really difficult and incredible exercise.
It's infuriating to be in a super cool place in the world and not enjoy it. I keep finding fault; I was here 6 years ago and it's changed immensely. Read the forthcoming post on Koh Phi Phi for that. And I'd love to have some kind of lesson learned, or silver lining, or awesome kickass Jewelia moment (the name I have given to my Super Self i.e. the best version of myself), but I'm not there yet. It's coming, because I'm frustrated with myself. But, shit, man, Poolia (the Shitty Me), is rearing her damn head and I am so mad about it. Shout out to Supernacular for encouraging those fantastic nicknames with a really difficult and incredible exercise.
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